Rising Sun-Times

Scientists at the Tokyo-based Institute of Cetacean Research have cracked the mysterious code of the humpback whale, famous for its haunting songs. Chief researcher, Makinori Mimizu, addressed a press conference earlier today saying “All these years of research and fine dining have finally paid off. No longer is the eerie call of the noble and excellently-flavoured humpback whale a mystery to humans.”

People have long wondered at the meaning of the humpback’s distinctive vocalisations, a complex system of communication that has defied deciphering by the world’s top scientists. Mimizu, wiping a splash of blood from his cheek, described the discovery as his proudest moment: “As a dedicated scientist, I dreamed of being able to contribute to the body of wisdom about these magnificent cetaceans, and now I feel that my Japanese work-ethic and voracious appetite have led me to erase the gap of communication between the species. I’m like a modern-day Doctor Doolittle. And Dian Fossey. And Sherlock Holmes. All in one.”

Makinori Mimizu in his laboratory yesterday

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Former president George W. Bush announced he has identified a group of terrorists in the suburb of Dallas where he has taken up residence. The Bushes moved to Preston Hollow after leaving Washington in a festively decorated hot air balloon after the inauguration of Barack Obama in January. Their house, pictured below, is a “modest 3 bedroom home with a paddling pool for the twins, stables and 4,000 guest and ballrooms.”

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Reuters

US President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Taro Aso spoke for the first time on the telephone Thursday, it has been reported. The ten-minute conversation, held in English due to the Prime Minister’s native-like grasp of the facile, primitive language and the inability of foreigners to master the world’s most complex and difficult language, Japanese, covered such topics as the current economic crisis, North Korea’s nuclear ambitions and the size of the newly-installed president’s dong. The Rising Sun-Times has received a transcript of the conversation, below.

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By HIDEKI MORONUKI, Taiji spokesman and deputy director of the Far Seas Fisheries Division of the central government’s Fisheries Agency.

Special to The Rising Sun-Times
http://search.japantimes.co.jp/cgi-bin/fl20080330×1.html

Welcome to Taiji, a town with a population of some 3,500 in the beautiful Yoshino Kumano Kokuritsu Koen national park. We are fishing town and fish is lifeblood of sea! And lifeblood of Taiji! We are home of Taiji Whale Museum, No 1. whale museum in all of Taiji. Not only whale is famous in Taiji, also dolphin. All villagers enjoy frolic with dolphin at seaside. “Here, Flipper!”

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Friday 02nd January, 01:21 PM JST TOKYO —

On New Year’s day emperor Akihito presided over a surprise guided tour of the Royal Hill of Gold in the backyard of his Imperial Palace.

Shielding their eyes from the glare reflecting off their hill of gold: the Emperor and his bitch.

‘‘I am concerned that there may be some people who are having problems properly maintaining their own hills of gold on their own estates. It takes work, or so I hear, to keep the hill polished to a high shine, or for it to keep reflecting market forces… or values… or whatever the fuck it does down there” the emperor, 75, said from the balcony of the Tojo wing of the palace.

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by Special Correspondent Masahiro Sato.

- Japan Today.

A seal (pictured below) in Japan has been diagnose with possible first-ever case of Mad Whales Disease. Oceanographers are discuss whether to exterminate all whale as ocean precaution. I am approve.


Seal with mad whale disease. I am Rest In Peace. In mouth.

“Hello, foreigners. We welcome you as visitors to our country.

“Foreigners, I present to you this Plaque of Peace.”

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