Rising Sun-Times

Japan announced today the suspension of its planned hunt of humpback whales, after increased pressure from Australia and the United States. Chief Cabinet Secretary Nobutaka Machimura told reporters that the hunt was suspended after talking to IWC head William Hogarth. “We’ll put it off for a year or two,” Machimura said. “Except in the case of self-defence. These humpbacks are a bad-tempered, albeit delicious, species that is liable to do anything.”

A vicious minke rams a Japanese whaler in this file photo, endangering the lives of several peaceful crew members.

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Sapporo, today

A local elementary school teacher has been reprimanded by the Ministry of Health, Finance, Education, Science, Whaling, Truth, Technology, Warfare, Foreign Affairs, Immigration, Textbook Revision, Cherry Blossoms, Seasons, Shit TV Programs, Occult and Gymnastics, for eating some of his students, sources said today. Tamani Kokui, pictured below, was reported to have consumed the children over the course of several years and may be charged with “failure to complete a child’s education”, a charge that carries a suspended sentence of two weeks and a stiff 400 yen fine.

“One or two kids helped out with the school lunches”

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The Japanese whaling fleet has accidentally harpooned a former government-employed English teacher off the coast of Australia, it has been reported. Sarah Broadbint was swimming at Sydney’s Bondi Beach when the fleet, en route to the tasty humpbacks of Antarctica, spotted her breaching the water and moved in for the kill.

Sarah Broadbint, JET bitch

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Tokyo Governor Shintaro Ishihara has announced a plan to make Japan terrorist-free by 2016, the year when the capital city hopes to host the summer Olympics. In a press conference held in his 400 hectare Shinjuku office, Ishihara outlined his plan to “prune out the foreign tourists to make the Tokyo Olympics the safest and most successful in history.”

Ishihara will ban terrorists from competing at the Olympics

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Sega Corporation has announced the limited release of its new game console, Puu, in readiness for the Christmas rush. After a hiatus of 6 years, the gaming company has reentered the competetive console business in a market already saturated with Nintendo’s Wii and suffering deep penetration with Microsoft’s XBox.

The Puu boasts a fast-loading mechanism

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Lenin with his book as snapped by a tourist

Visitors to the Lenin Mausoleum today were surprised to see the former Soviet leader sitting up in his tomb and reading a book. It is not certain what time the once-glorified communist awoke, but visitors reported seeing Lenin up and about in the late morning. After noticing the visitors, he is reported to have spoken with several of them as they filed past his resting place hoping for a glimpse of the Bolshevik hero.

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Former PM Shinzo Abe. Politcal ambitions can be seen on the far right.

Former prime minister Shinzo Abe, who died of insignificance recently, has announced he will return all of his end-of-year bonus. The bonus, worth 37 million yen, was said by Abe to be “such a piddling amount of money compared to what my grandaddy brought back from China and gave to me that it’s embarrassing to go to the bank with it.”

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White supremicists aboard the Steve Irwin

Anti-science crusaders Sea Shepherd have renamed their ship Steve Irwin in honour of the deceased Australian crocodile hunter. In a ceremony in the southern port city of Melbourne, Australia, the dead man’s wife, Terri Irwin, and infamous ecofascist Paul Watson unveiled the former Robert Hunter today. In response, the Japanese fleet have renamed their flagship “Stingray”.

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Japan intends to take Humpback whales, a species famous for its songs, in its annual hunt. What do you think?

Masayuki, 24

“That’ll shut ‘em up.”

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Six Prefectrues Singled out for Special Prizes by the Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology for their efforts in Bullying.

Reports of bullying at Japan’s schools rose in 2006, according to the Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology. Minister of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology, Kisaburo Tokai, made the announcement today at a press conference, adding that bullying levels still fall well short of desirable pre-war levels.

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